Have you ever had a really good day when the world actually seemed to be OK, but somewhere deep inside a voice reminds you not to get carried away, because without fail, darkness always follows a sunny day? A sense of dooms descends as I wait to see what price I will pay for being allowed to enjoy such a positive day.
Those around me who aren’t autistic don’t understand my way of thinking on this.
They dismiss it and wave me onwards, encouraging me to enjoy the moment, to live for now. But I can’t, and I wondered if you might understand me.
I’ve heard that trauma can have a more severe impact on an autistic person, with us taking longer to recover or get back on track, and I believe my pessimistic approach to life is my brain trying to keep me safe by anticipating old patterns. However, it would be so good to just enjoy a good day, rather than fearing whatever comes next.
While it is certainly a pattern that I recall from the past, it isn’t always the case that a good day is punished with bad things happening to me, so to sit and wait for the doom to strike makes absolutely no sense at all, but it still happens. I had a great week last week, the first great week in a very long time.
But the more the good things happened, the more my brain began to destroy me from within, anticipating bad things while I whirled around in my own head feeling anxious, worthless and afraid. I spent the weekend analysing the thoughts running through my mind as if I was investigating a crime scene.
The more I anticipated the darkness, the more my senses heightened and the darker my mood became. With my analysis complete, I wondered if it might be possible to learn from the certainty of the actual real dark skies which loom every single day as the sun goes to bed, and rewire my brain to resist such sudden mental lurches from bright to dark?
I have spent the past 18 months learning all about my own mind, my stressors and the things which are good and bad for me. Just having space to observe my mind in minuscule detail has allowed me to consider learning new ways, or try to rewire the darkest corners of my mind.
We know for a fact that each day the sun will set. The light across the land fades and as dusk creeps into night, candles shine at their brightest and fires emit their warmest glow. The dark night sky welcomes the hoot of an owl, the wonder of the moon and the gradual appearance of millions of stars.
Such quiet hours provide the opportunity for our brains to rest and process our learnings from the day, the rough and the smooth. We don’t typically fear this darkness, it’s a necessary quiet time that we accept and deal with almost automatically.
So instead of dreading the mental darkness which may threaten to spoil my good day, maybe I can light my own candle as darkness falls on the land, and reflect on all of my thoughts from my day, good and bad, without fear. Writing those final few sentences reminded me of something I learned and felt this summer.
You have to be your own best friend before you can be a friend to anyone else.
I’ve heard this said so many times before, but could only apply it myself when I actually felt the relevance of it. I laughed at myself for being so slow to get it. I’ve been slow again, and just huffed a laugh as I typed.
Journalling is believed to help us manage the complexities of our minds. I’ve written 100,000 words since the summer. I felt nothing. I wrote and wrote, but felt no inner peace. No connection with the words which seemed to rage out from my finger ends.
But today, after my investigation into the contrasting brightness of our highs and the darkness of our lows, I can see how the daily ritual of writing down experiences from the day might help to balance out my mind, to take some control over my thoughts without fearing the worst and to take comfort in the certainty of darkness falling.
This blog post is written by Ginger Writer - Gingerly becoming the writer I was born to be who is a community member, and forms part of a 6 week blog series, where Ginger Writer will be writing for us and sharing her words.
Main Blog Image 'No Revisions' via Unsplash
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