Winter always brings me a whole host of comforts, and if you’ve ever read Katherine May’s beautiful book Wintering you’ll know what I’m talking about. I love many things about winter, including walking through town in the dark, just around teatime, especially if I catch a glimpse through someone’s front window?
Maybe it’s just me…
I don’t want to look, and I’m definitely not a nosey parker, but my eyes glance involuntarily sideways as something invites me in… a twinkly Christmas tree, a cosy fire, someone reading a book snuggled up in a corner, the dinner table laid for two, a dog fast asleep in his bed.
What I see through the window is only a fraction of the story of the person living in the house, yet my mind begins to imagine the life they might inhabit.
And this reminds me of how so many people we meet only see a snapshot of our lives through one tiny window, yet come up with their own version of who we are, or who we should be - never seeking to find out who we truly are.
In my case, they might see a knackered, stressed, dull and aging woman who isn’t cool enough to be their friend, isn’t clever enough to have an interesting conversation, is too quiet to be any fun and is therefore only worth investing in when there is no-one else around. Their loss.
On more sinister occasions, there have been some really manipulative people who have glanced in through my window and seen someone they think could be useful to them. Someone so vulnerable, they can be picked up and put down like a toy doll without any fuss. Someone so kind, who will instantly help them feel better about themselves, regardless of how badly they behave.
Only a few special people have looked through the window and seen the real me. But a few special ones are worth their weight in gold. You don’t need many to feel like you have won the friendship lottery. These wonderful people are like four-leaf clovers. Never stop believing that they’re out there - you will know one when you see one…
Instead of takers, they will be sharers.
Instead of users they will be carers.
Instead of having expectations, they will accept you for who you are and what you bring to the world.
Instead of having to wear a mask, you will feel loved for who you are. Instead of running away from you in times of crisis they will run towards you and help you back on your feet.
And instead of feeling unworthy after every interaction with them, you will feel alive and valued.
Like many of us, I learned about friendships the hard way - making a whole string of bad choices and hating myself for not being good enough. But once I realised what was happening, I felt empowered. I took a very methodical approach to auditing the people around me.
I literally made lists.
I had to work very hard to understand the poor choices I had made and that it was ok to walk away from people with whom I didn’t feel safe.
At the end of my exercise, there weren’t many people I wished to retain in my life, but that was ok - more than ok, it was liberating. Having removed the toxic weeds, who I’d allowed to suck the very life out of me, I had more time to see the beauty of my genuine friendships.
I’m less exhausted because I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do - no more ‘oh come on, you’ll enjoy it when you get there’. I can take things at face value - no more overthinking things people say and do in order to protect myself or try to understand something which is utterly unfathomable to me.
I’m actually allowed to be autistic - every single one of the people I now refer to as a toxic weed refused to believe I’m autistic, belittling my experience with judgement and horrible put downs.
I would encourage anyone who is struggling with relationships, exhausted from blaming themselves for not being good enough and trying too hard to belong, to look at the people close by and ask a few simple questions….
Does this person accept me or have expectations of me, do they love me for who I am or only when I wear a mask, are they there when I need them, or are they running away from me in my time of need, do I feel worse after an interaction with them or do they lift me up, helping me to feel valued and loved?
These days, as the nights draw in, my curtains remain wide open - encouraging anyone who is walking by to take a look at my cosy fire and the book I’m reading whilst snuggled up on the sofa with my snoring giant house rabbit.
But only the special ones are welcome to join me by the fire.
Thank you for reading.
This blog post is written by Ginger Writer - Gingerly becoming the writer I was born to be who is a community member, and forms part of a 6 week blog series, where Ginger Writer will be writing for us and sharing her words.
Images via Unsplash
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